Finally... Some AMAZING News!

There is soooo much to talk about in this post!  First of all, I want to explain what happened with Round 12.  Round 12 did not seem very promising.  We had a 'some-what' mature follicle but nothing as big as we had seen before.  We also did not get to try artificial insemination since ovulation would have occurred over the weekend and we had no exact way of knowing when the follicle would be mature enough to release an egg.  So, we just had to take it one day at a time....

At the appointment for round 12, the doctor told me that he suggested that I have surgery at the end of May (if I did not end up pregnant).  So... I had that weighing over my head.  I know that no one enjoys surgery, but this really freaked me out!  To know that they would be going in and messing with my reproductive organs worried me...  They would go in through my belly button and "check" to make sure everything was okay.  If it was not, they would try to correct it while they were in there (as long as it did not pose a threat to me).  If there was something severely wrong - we would just have to jump to Invitro.

Now, with all of that said... I did not have to do surgery OR invitro!  We are officially pregnant!  After 12 rounds of meds and a whole year of seeing the infertility specialist, we have finally succeeded!

I promise that I will NEVER forget the journey that I have had to travel in order to get to this point.  I will always be there for any woman who may need encouragement or even just to vent.  I know, first hand, how difficult this life can be.  And I do not want my excitement to make me seem as though I do not appreciate all of the support and love that I received while going through this... And I want to make sure that I am able to give every other woman facing infertility the love and support that I have received!

With that said...  I can still use thoughts and prayers since I am not yet through my first trimester.  I am also high risk due to a blood disorder that I have.  I will be starting blood thinners soon and will have my first ultrasound on May 27th! :)

Thank you all sooooooo much for your love and support!

xoxoxox

Got Some Catching Up To Do!!

Sorry for the delay in posts... I have not been feeling very great lately.  Not sick, just been feeling kind of down...  It is hard to believe that this month marks one year since my very first appointment with the infertility specialist.

Anyways, on to the update!

My second artificial insemination was a failure.... again...  So we started round number 12 on April 9th.  Again, I am doing the highest dosage of Femara for 5 days and also doing the hormone injections for 3 days.  I have a doctor appointment coming up at the end of the week where we will find out whether or not I have any mature follicles.  If I do, we will go forward and try another artificial insemination.  At this appointment, we also plan on discussing the option of trying invitro fertilization if this round is another failure.  I have been terrified by the thought of having to do invitro since it is extremely expensive.  But, hopefully, we will be able to figure out a way to afford it and make it all work.

I have been feeling very down about myself lately.  I feel like my self worth and self confidence is really diminishing due to the fact that my body is choosing not to cooperate when it comes to getting pregnant.  And my body is also suffering more and more with each passing round.  I know that weight is only temporary, but when you are gaining a ton of weight every month due to all of the medications that you are on, it really starts to mess with your confidence.  I barely even want to go out and do things anymore.  I have always been a very confident person but that has really all gone out the window.  Ugh... I just hope that I start to feel comfortable in my own skin again soon.  Plus, buying new clothes every couple of months is getting expensive! ;-)

Moving on...  please pray for my husband and I as we approach the end of the 12th round of our fertility treatments.  I could really use a break and use some good news soon.  I have hope that this will all work out and this will all be worth it.

Thank you all for your love and support throughout the past year!

xoxoxo

March 31, 2014

One week ago today was my artificial insemination appointment!  The procedure was somewhat painful and definitely hurt more than the last one that I had.  However, I made it out alive and went on to the two week wait!

We are now entering the second week of this horrendous two week wait.  I seriously cannot wait to see what the outcome of this round will be!  I am feeling very positive and optimistic and I am certainly hoping for the best!  

I have been feeling very tired lately.  But no other "symptoms"... I know that technically it is too soon to have any pregnancy symptoms but I can't help but drive myself crazy thinking about it!

My mother will be in town visiting me for a few days at the end of this week which will definitely help me stay calm and relaxed.  I cannot wait to spend some valuable time with her! :)

I will keep you all posted as to what happens next week - whether it be positive or negative (but it better be positive, haha!).  Please keep my husband and me in your thoughts and prayers as we continue down this long and tiring journey.

xoxox

Some Good News!!

I know that it has been quite a while since I have posted and I sincerely apologize, I have just been incredibly busy lately! 

Anyhoo... Round number 11 started on March 13th.  I did another round of the 7.5mg Femara and also 3 days of the hormone injections.  I had a doctor appointment today and we found out that I have a follicle measuring 15mm.  They are setting me up to have artificial insemination on Monday March 24!  I am sooo incredibly excited!  It has been a really really long time since we have gotten any good news and I feel like we have really made some great progress this month!  I will be taking a pregnancy test around April 5th!  

Please keep your fingers, toes, legs, arms, eyes, and everything else that you can cross - crossed!  

Thanks for your patience and thank you all for your love and support!

xoxoxo

March 6th, 2014

Hello everyone.  I apologize for not posting sooner.  I have had a rough couple of days.  Anyways, I went to the doctor yesterday to get my levels checked to see if I did or did not ovulate.  I will find out today what the results are.  I am hoping that I did ovulate as that will be reassurance that the meds are doing what they are supposed to do - we just aren't catching ovulation in time.  So... let's all cross our fingers for that.

I have been going back and forth with myself if I want to take some time off of all of this.  We are going on 11 rounds with only a one month break.  My body is sooo incredibly drained.  Both physically and mentally.

I have also been contemplating whether or not I want to continue with the infertility treatments.  Since we have been doing this for so long without any luck, I am starting to think that maybe it just isn't going to happen.  I have been seeing the infertility specialist since April.  Before the specialist will even see you, you have to have been trying to conceive for 1+ year(s).  That means, that we have been trying for at least 2 years at this point.  And honestly, we won't get into specifics, but it has been much longer than that.

It kills me that it has yet to happen.  I feel like we have done everything right.  We got married and started a life together, we both have college educations (my husband is currently pursuing his bachelor's degree while I am working towards my master's degree).  My husband is in the military and we have a steady income.  We deserve to have this happen for us, and yet - nothing.  I watch so many people around me get pregnant without any problems... they don't even have to try.  And it is sooo hard on me.  To know that so many people are able to get pregnant every day while I sit and struggle as much as I do.

I have always thought of myself as an extremely strong person.  But I certainly feel like I am reaching my breaking point.  I honestly do not know where to go from here.  My body is saying one thing while my heart says something completely different.  I clearly want this.  I haven't ever wanted anything more.  But I don't know how much more I can put my body through before I break.

I am trying incredibly hard to remain positive and keep my head held high.  My husband does an amazing job of helping me do this.  But sometimes, no matter what anyone says, I just feel really low.  And that is how it has been for a few days now.  But I will overcome this, as I have overcome everything else in my life.  If this is not meant to be, then it's not.  But God, I really hope that's not the case.  I have been ready and willing to try anything and everything that the doctor's have thrown at me.  Painful procedures, countless medications, and tons of tests.  I keep pushing forward because I deserve this.... We deserve this....

On that note, thank you all for reading, and thank you all for your endless love and support.  I truly do not know what I would do without my family and friends.

xoxoxo

February 28, 2014

Well, today is the last day of February... This means we are one month closer to the year mark of seeing the infertility specialist...  April will mark one whole year.  I had my first round of infertility meds in July... So at least we have some time yet before we reach that 'anniversary'.

Since July, I have gained over 40 pounds from all of the infertility meds.  For those of you who do not know me, I am a short little girl measuring in at 5'0".  I have always been pretty tiny in nature.  I have always been an extremely confident person - but with all of this weight gain, I am becoming more and more self conscious and depressed.  I cannot wait until I am done with all of this madness so I can kick my own butt and get myself back to the size that I was at the beginning of all of this.

I would love to say that I can start working out hardcore and losing all the weight now.  However, IF I start doing a huge workout regime, I have a chance of messing up my cycle... which I REFUSE to do! haha.  And then there is also the fact that it will be extremely difficult for me to lose any weight since I am still taking all of the meds.  AND the PCOS causes weight gain and makes it extremely difficult to lose weight.  So at this point, the weight gain will probably only get worse... Sooo lame....

I am thinking about starting to walk for a short period of time every day.  I think that this will help me to at least keep myself from gaining any more weight... But then again, I have no idea.  I am willing to gain as much weight as I have to from all of the medications as long as God will one day bless me with a little bundle of joy....

I only wish I had more self-confidence at this point in time... But hopefully, with time, I will feel better about myself.  :)

As always, thank you all for reading!

xoxoxox

Follow-Up Appointment

Yesterday was my follow-up appointment where we would double check on the follicle that the doctor had found on Monday. Well... that follicle did not grow, nor was it even mentioned.  However, there was a 'shadow' that appeared to be a follicle that has collapsed and/or started to absorb.  There was also some liquid present indicating that ovulation had occurred.  This means, that for the 2nd month in a row, we have missed ovulation.  The good news is, my body seems to be reacting properly to the meds and is therefore ovulating like it is supposed to.  The bad news is that I am ovulating at all different times throughout my cycle so there is really no way of knowing when it is occurring, which makes the whole timing thing somewhat complicated.

I now have to go in for blood work on Tuesday to check my progesterone levels which will help the doctor know for sure whether or not I have ovulated.  If I have, we will wait for my next cycle to begin and will go from there.  This next round of meds will be similar to this last round.  However, I will be doing hormone injections for 5 days instead of 3 and I will be going to the doctor much sooner in my cycle and will be seen much more frequently throughout the cycle so that we can hopefully catch ovulation BEFORE it happens rather than after.

I am pleased to know that I am ovulating (or so we think) at this point.  I just can't wait until everything starts falling into place the way that it is supposed to.  This will be round number 11 - crazy to even think about that.... We shall see what the test results say on Tuesday which will help us to know what my body is doing.... We all need to sit down with my ovaries and tell them that they need to start cooperating! haha!!

As always, thank you for reading and for supporting me every step of the way!

xoxoxo

Don't Forget!

Tomorrow is a very important appointment... We will be finding out whether or not my follicle has made any improvement in size and whether or not we will be able to try artificial insemination this round....  I am hoping that we will have made at least some progress so that this round wasn't a complete failure.  But, if no progress has been made, I guess we will move right on to round 11.

I cannot believe that this will be round 11... It just doesn't seem possible... People get pregnant all the time... Why has this been so incredibly hard for me?  Ughhh! I guess we will see what happens tomorrow before I get myself all worked up.  Please keep me and my husband in your thoughts and prayers as we start this new portion of this journey.  Up until this point, we somewhat knew what to expect... whereas now, we have no idea what could be happening next.

I will make sure to post after the appointment tomorrow so that you will all know how it went. :)

As always, thank you all for you love and support.

xoxoxo

:(

I honestly don't even know what to say... It is becoming a reality that this may just never happen... I never wanted to accept that - or face it, but I may not have an option...

At today's appointment, the doctor was looking to see if there were any mature follicles.  He was unable to find any.  I had one follicle which was 8mm (a mature follicle is about 18mm - 22mm).  So, I have to go back in on Wednesday for another follicle scan to see if this little guy has grown at all.  IF it has, then we will continue on this round and see what happens and hopefully will be trying artificial insemination again.  If not, then we will be moving on to round number 11.

Round number 11 will be a little different.  The doctor wants to up my injections so that I will be doing more than 3 days of the shots.  This will hopefully help my body produce follicles properly.  We will try this approach a couple of rounds - if needed.  If this also fails, we will be discussing harsher treatment options.

One option that we have is solely hormone injections without any oral meds.  This can cause me to produce very many follicles... like 7 or 8 of them... which would cause us to have to cancel the round so that we do not end up with high multiple births.  Also, with  just hormone injections, my insurance will not allow me to do artificial insemination (IUI) as well - due to the price of the injections and the IUI - so these rounds would be based solely on timed intercourse... which has not worked for us thus far...

Another option that we have is surgery. With surgery, they would burn a portion of my ovary in order to try to help the hormone production.  According to the doctor, this could help - hopefully.  If not, our final option is In Vitro Fertilization (IVF)....  Which is $8,000+ (if we get it done BEFORE Randy gets out of the military... If we do not get it done before then, it will cost us $16,000+).  Sadly, even IVF is not a guarantee.  I wish I could see a few years from now and see if everything works out... I want to be able to know if there is a purpose to all of this... I think I deserve to know what is going to come of this....

It seems like we are approaching a dead end... I am feeling sooo discouraged and disappointed.  Women out there that have children... NEVER EVER take them for granted.  Never take the fact that you can get pregnant for granted.  Never mistreat those little babies and always give them all of your love.  There are women out there that would literally do anything to be able to reproduce - believe me I am one of them.

Big Day Tomorrow!

I am sooo sorry that it has been so long since I have posted.  I have had a very busy past couple of days and extremely tired. A little update:  the hormone injections are all done - Femara is all done - the only medication I am still on is dexamethasone, which causes insomnia.  Ugh... I can't wait to sleep a whole night again! hahaha.

Tomorrow is my big appointment!  I will find out at this appointment whether or not we have any mature follicles this round...  Hopefully, I will not have already ovulated AND I will have tons of mature follicles so that we can schedule an appointment to have artificial insemination done this week!  Ahhh... I am sooo anxious!  If we are able to do artificial insemination this round, this will be our second try.  I have very very high hopes!!

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow!  I really need to get some good news, it's been far too long!  :)

As always, thank you for reading!

xoxoxo

February 20, 2014

Well, luckily I was able to get in contact with the infertility clinic today so that they could explain how to administer my medication and was able to give myself the first shot today.  It was much different than the old shot which definitely made me feel uneasy.  But, I overcame it and made it happen!  2 more days to go and then I have my doctor appointment Monday morning to check on my follicles!  I am REALLY hoping for some good sized follicles this round!  Keep those fingers, toes, legs, arms, eyes and everything else that you can - crossed!

Moving on from that....

I am starting to feel like people are getting somewhat 'annoyed' by my posts...  I do not want anyone to feel obligated to read what I am posting.  I am doing this to not only help myself by getting everything off my chest but to also allow others to know my story.  I never expected people to feel negatively towards my desire to let everyone in to my life - and along on my journey.

I want to make it incredibly clear that I have never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me.  I am not seeking sympathy in any way shape or form.  Compassion - yes.  Sympathy - no.  As I have stated in other posts, I am well aware of the fact that there are other people out there that are facing their own issues, and I have never claimed that mine are the worst.  I am merely trying to allow others to see what I go through on a day to day basis and I do not think that I should feel bad for doing so...

Now that I have gotten that out of my system, I have been battling another small emotional issue lately.  I am starting to feel like I am being left behind.  I am 25 years old and have been married for 4 and a half years... Sooo many people around me, that got married after I did, already have children or will have children in the near future.  I am so happy for everyone to be able to have their own families, but it is still hard to imagine the fact that I am still sitting here struggling.  I have said numerous times that I would not wish this on my worst enemy - and I am not kidding.  But I am starting to feel that because a lot of my friends are moving on with life and are having children, I will inevitably be left behind and will have no one to count on.

I think that this is a fear that many women that face infertility have.  No one wants to imagine being left behind or alone...  So this is definitely something that I have been struggling with lately...

Now - on a happy note - tomorrow I get to spend the day with my husband!  Since he is on night shift now, I barely get to spend any time with him... And I get to have some 'me' time and go get my nails all beautified! ;-)

Have a great weekend everyone!  

Bad Bad Day! :(

Today has been a very bad day!  Ugh... So as you all know, yesterday was my last day of Femara which means that today was day one of the hormone injections.  I am always scared when this day comes around... giving myself the shots never gets any easier... However, today was ten times worse than any other round... 

So, I will start from the beginning, this round I had to get my shots ordered for me through an outside pharmacy who delivered them to my house - which is fine... less work for me.  Today I opened up the box to find out that it was NOT the same shot that I had been given before.  Prior to this round, the infertility clinic has always given me my shots.  And it has always been a pre-filled pen type shot (see pic below).

This time, I was given actual syringes with an actual vial and had to fill the syringe myself... Yeah - I have NEVER done that before!  So... Needless to say, after many phone calls to a couple pharmacies, we were told to just wait until we can talk to the nurses at the infertility clinic so that they can tell me exactly what to do.  The pen was pre-filled so I did not have to worry about dosages or anything else, whereas with the new shot they gave me, I clearly would have to know how much to inject.  Ahhh... So stressful! Hopefully we will be able to talk to the infertility clinic right away in the morning so we can sort this out.  Since there is no 24 hour nurses line or anything of that sort - we are missing out on today's injection which I am hoping does not mess up everything we have worked for this round. 

I am starting to feel so incredibly overwhelmed with all of this...  I always try to keep my head up high and post positive posts the best that I can.  But with all of the complications that have been going on lately, I am starting to get very down.  I am trying to lift myself back up as soon as I possibly can because I really don't like feeling this way!

As always, thank you all for reading and supporting me along the way.

xoxoxo

Last Day of Femara!

Sorry for the delay in posts everyone!  It is sooo not like me to not post every day... I just have not been in a very talkative mood.  I am not sure why, but I have been very irritable and emotional the past couple of days.  I am sure it has nothing to do with all the hormone fluctuations taking place right now. ;-)  I think it also has a lot to do with the fact that I am incredibly homesick and cannot wait to see my family again!  Living 2,000+ miles away from home is extremely difficult - then adding in all the emotions from this infertility journey - makes it ten thousand times harder.  I really wish I had my family/friends near during these difficult times.

Today is my last day of Femara... which is a plus since these hot flashes have been KILLING me!  However, this is a sad day for me as this means that I have to start doing the hormone injections tomorrow... Ughhh.  I hate those!  I am in no way afraid of needles (I have tattoos AND piercings), but when you have to stab yourself with one, it is a completely different fear.  And let's not volunteer my husband up to give me the shot, I tried that once and he was not very gentle. haha.

I am getting very anxious for my next doctor's appointment!  Less than a week away!  I cannot wait to see whether or not we will have any good sized follicles this round...  And if we do, I cannot wait to schedule the next IUI.  I am not sure how many more IUI's I want to try, so hopefully this will be the winning ticket!!  I am just hoping that I will not have already ovulated like what happened last round... that will be heartbreaking since I really want to try another IUI.  If I have already ovulated - no IUI for us this round!

I am feeling very overwhelmed and stressed out lately... I think I just need a break and a nice warm vacation!  Anyone want to fly me somewhere incredibly warm for an extended weekend?! ;-)

As always, thank you all for reading my blog and for supporting me along this journey!

xoxoxo

Just a Heads Up...

So I have read a lot of different blog posts regarding things you should not say to a woman facing infertility...  I have decided to compile a list of things that you should try to refrain from saying... these things may not seem like they would be hurtful... but sometimes - they are.

8.  You need to relax.

We know that we need to relax.  We know that the stress is not helping.  But telling us that we need to relax can actually stress us out more in the end.  We cannot help but think about the situation all day - every day.  So just know, that even when you think we are calm and relaxed, we are probably still running through tons of different scenarios in our head.

7.  You're young and have plenty of time to get pregnant.

While for many couples this may be true, you do not always know about the different medical issues that these couples may be facing.  For example, in my situation, I truly am running out of time.  I was advised to stop trying to have children by the time I am 30 years old.  I will already be high risk because of my blood disorder and PCOS so we have to try to avoid any further issues which could be contributed by age.

6.  It could be worse... You could be dealing with 'insert another medical issue here'...

You're right - it could be worse... We are well aware that there are much worse things that could happen to us.  We know that there are people that are facing difficult journeys every single day.  And we are thankful that we are able to live a somewhat normal life.  However, that doesn't necessarily make what we are dealing with any easier.  Diminishing and belittling what we are going through and making a comparison to something that is non-comparable is completely unfair.  We are faced with problems that some people may never understand and regardless of their severity - they have a way of negatively affecting our lives.

5.  As soon as you stop trying - it will happen.

While in some cases this might be true... Majority of couples that are struggling with infertility do not have the option to stop trying.  If I 'stop trying' I will have to stop taking the medication that is forcing me to ovulate.  Without ovulating, there is no possible way I will ever get pregnant.  Therefore, it is physically impossible for it to happen if I stop trying.  However, I do understand that this almost falls into the same category as 'you need to relax' as it is someone's way to say that lack of stress could be beneficial... which is definitely true in any situation - including infertility.

4.  You could always just adopt.

Again, this is very true. Adoption is an AMAZING option for anyone - including fertile couples.  However, it is extremely expensive and not everyone has the money to seek adoption.  Along with the expensive aspect, it is hard to let go of a dream that you have of conceiving your own child.  Yes, if I was told that there was no possible way that I could ever have a child of my own, I would certainly look into adoption.  And if I ever have the money to adopt a child later on in life, I would love to be able to do that.  But at this point in time, there is still a possibility that I can conceive and I would like to try for as long as my body (and doctors) will allow.

3.  I know what you are going through... My cousin's boyfriend's sister's best friend dealt with infertility.

We are happy to hear success stories of other people that have been faced with infertility.  We love to know that there are happy endings!  But, we do not appreciate it when people claim to know what it is like to deal with infertility just because they have heard others stories.  We would rather you ask us what we have gone through so far than to tell us about someone you barely know.   

2.  What's meant to be will happen.

As true as this might be, it is incredibly difficult to hear.  I know that personally when I hear this, it makes me feel that maybe I am not meant to be a mother.  And that is difficult to handle.  To imagine that I am trying so incredibly hard and that it might not be 'meant to be' kills me.  That is why this saying has become so haunting to me.  I would like to believe that I am meant to be a mother and therefore I think that this saying is just not helpful in this type of situation.

1.  Just get over it.

This is the most heartless thing I could ever even imagine someone saying to me at this point in my life.  To even think about the fact that people think that something such as this is so easy to 'just get over' - disgusts me.  This is life changing, this is something that will weigh in my mind and in my heart for as long as I live.  Even if I ever do get pregnant, I will never get over the fact that it was so incredibly difficult for me to conceive.  I will be happy that it has finally happened, but I will still always remember the trials and tribulations I was faced with.  It will be worth it, but I will never get over it.
________________________________________________________________________

Now, don't get me wrong, this post was not meant to be harsh or make anyone feel bad for saying anything to an infertile woman.  We know that you mean well with the things that you say, and sometimes, people just don't know what else to say.  The best thing that anyone has ever said to me is "I will pray for you" - or something along those lines.  It's short, sweet, to the point, and means more than I could ever put into words.  It is nice to know that I am not the only one praying for my success and that others are willing to do the same!

Please also know that most infertile women love to share their story.  I know that for me personally, talking about what I am going through really helps.  It is helpful to be able to somewhat teach others what infertility is all about.  Infertility is something that I would not wish on my worst enemy, but it has taught me how to bring awareness to such a major issue that many couples deal with. 

We appreciate your support!  We don't want you to be scared to talk to us or share your happiness with us regarding your own children.  But you have to be aware that sometimes - it can be difficult for us.  Remember infertile women during holidays.  Personally, Mother's Day is a difficult one for me.  I watch all of these women around me celebrating with their children and all I can do is sit back and hope that by next year, I will have a child, and will be able to celebrate Mother's Day myself.

Sometimes all we need is someone to listen. For a long time, I felt very alone throughout this journey.  Other than my family, I did not feel that I had many people I could count on.  However, after 5 months of dealing with infertility quietly, I decided to inform my 200+ Facebook friends of what I was going through.  Allowing them in and allowing them to travel this journey with me, has been more than rewarding!  Not only have I gotten support from people I had never expected and been able to teach people about infertility, but I have also been able to be there for women that are experiencing the same thing that have not necessarily told the world about what they are facing.  

I love the fact that I have been able to take an incredibly horrible situation and have used it to better myself and to help others around me.  This just shows that no matter what we are faced with, we can hold our heads high and walk through this life together.

One more thing... If you want to know something - ask questions.  I have gone through so much at this point that I have no problem sharing anything with anyone.  I know you might think that I will be uncomfortable answering some questions, but I guarantee you, your questions cannot be any more uncomfortable for me than an appointment with my infertility specialist.  :)  

xoxoxo

Some Honesty...

So... Usually I keep all of these types of things to myself.... But people out there that are also suffering from infertility need to know that they are not alone in how they feel.  So I have decided to allow myself to come clean with my feelings and write them all down.  It may or may not help anyone or even help myself... but the least I can do is be open and honest with my feelings.

I have been feeling very incredibly down lately.  I have been contemplating even trying IUI anymore because that is money out of pocket each and every time.  The fact of the matter is, we cannot afford to continuously try all of these treatments that may just end in failure.  Yes, I know, I am supposed to remain positive at all times and convince myself that this is going to work.  But, I feel like sometimes I just run out of optimism and I feel like I may just have to face the facts and accept that things may not turn out the way that I am hoping.  

I feel so guilty sometimes, that it is my fault that my husband cannot have the child that he wants so dearly.  I know that this affects him just as much as it affects me.  I feel like a failure as a woman for not being able to give him a child.  On top of guilt, I feel indescribable sadness and confusion.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I can't help but wonder why this is happening to me.  Why have I been faced with so many difficult issues?  It has been hard to deal with and sometimes, I just need to allow myself to break down.  But at the same time, I am trying so incredibly hard to remain strong.  Not only for myself - but for everyone around me.  I know that this isn't just affecting me.  It's affecting everyone in my life.  And I wish that I could just get past all of this, get pregnant, and move on with my life.  And I hope that one day - that happens.  But until then, I have to keep my head held high, do what I can do to help make this happen and continue on this journey.

I continue to pray and ask others to pray as well.  Not only for my success, but for my sanity.  Sometimes, I feel like I am losing my mind.  I am so hung up on having this work that I do not have time to really think about anything else.  It can be extremely exhausting!  But I know with the help of God and all of my supporters, at some point in time, I will be completely okay.  And I hope to realize what God was trying to teach me throughout this journey.  Even if I am never able to have a child of my own - I will have learned a lesson from all of this.  I have already begun to learn that I truly have a lot of people that care about me.  And that has been amazing for me.  To see how many people have opened up and have reached out to support me - I couldn't be any more grateful!  And I can only hope that due to my honesty - other women/men dealing with infertility will be able to realize that they are not alone and that there are people that do understand what they are going through.

To anyone reading this that has had a hard time at one time or another throughout their life... Please know that you are not alone.  Regardless of what kind of problem you have faced - you have people that care about you and are there for you.  And if you ever feel alone, please know that I am a great listener and would love to help lift you out of a bad place.  <3

As always, thank you all for your love and support.

xoxoxo

February 15, 2014

Why hello there everyone!  I hope that all of you are having a fantastic weekend!  I had a very very lazy day today!  I woke up with a horrible headache so I went back to sleep and didn't wake up until almost 3 in the afternoon... At least I have an excuse!  The meds make me feel so tired and sick and at the beginning of each round - I usually just do a lot of sleeping.  I am feeling pretty good now that I spent the whole day resting!  Just a minor headache at this point and my cup of peppermint mocha coffee might help to make me feel a bit better. ;-) 

Who would think that 4 little pills could make you feel so yucky?!  I think the lone white one (dexamethasone) is the culprit for the tummy aches.  The other 3 (femara) cause the headaches/hot flashes/drowsiness!  Either way, they definitely need to be nicer to me! haha!

I don't know about all of you, but I have been feeling very lazy lately!  I think I am just ready for some warm weather and sunshine!!  Winter seems to be dragging on and on...  Summer cannot be here soon enough, I am sure that everyone can agree on that! :)

I am thinking about starting some more projects to keep myself occupied... Homework is just not as exciting as crafting.  Oh, by the way, for those of you who do not know me personally, I have recently started my Masters Degree in Legal Studies!  It is A LOT of work, but so far I am managing to maintain an A!  Which makes me one proud little girl!

Moving on - Do any of you have any projects or hobbies that you would recommend me trying out?  Feel free to leave your ideas in the comments section below!  :)

As always, thank you for all of your love and support!  

xoxoxo

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Happy Valentine's Day to each and every one of you!! I hope you have enjoyed your day with your loved ones!  As you know, I already celebrated Valentine's day yesterday, so today has just been a relaxing day for me.  

This year, Valentine's Day is memorable for a completely different reason for us.  Today marks the start of round 10 of medications!  That is a lot of rounds and I cannot believe we are in double digits!  Today I start the Femara and Dexamethasone... The hormone injections don't start until Wednesday...  Thank God, I have some time to prepare yet! ;) I am extremely anxious to see how this round pans out and hopefully good news will follow! 

I got a nice little surprise from the kids at my church today.  It certainly helped to lift my spirits!  What sweet and kind-hearted little ones!  I can only hope that as children, they know how much their kindness means to people! 

I have been doing some research and have found that IVF may be our best option at success.  So, I think that this is going to be something I discuss with the doctor whenever he calls me... Hopefully soon....  Gotta keep our options open - that's for sure!

Again, I hope that you all had a very loving and happy day with your loved ones!  As always, thank you for reading and for all of your love and support. xoxoxo

All About My Busy Day!

Today was a busy one!  Right when I woke up, my husband and I headed off to the lab to get a pregnancy test done - which of course was negative.  Then had to head to the pharmacy to pick up my latest round of meds.  Round number 10 starts tomorrow.  I also stopped by the infertility clinic to talk to a doctor about this whole PCOS thing, but no one was available to talk to me at the time.  So... I am supposed to be receiving a call from a doctor within the next couple of days so that I can ask all of the questions that I have.  Since I have been unaware of my diagnosis until a couple of days ago, more and more questions are popping into my head.  So, hopefully I will get a call tomorrow or Monday so that I can get these questions cleared up and hopefully I won't feel so incredibly stressed out.

I am feeling very anxious and overwhelmed knowing that we are already on round 10 without any success getting pregnant.  I never in a million years thought it would take this long.  I am having a difficult time staying optimistic at this point...  However, thanks to the help of my support system, I will overcome this - yet again.  I know that it is only a matter of time before I get a miracle!

To any women out there that might be dealing with the same thing and may need someone to talk to, please reach out to me (jessysue06@gmail.com).  I find it very helpful to talk to others that understand what I am going through and hope that I can help even one other person to not feel so alone!  :)

Now, moving on to happy things of the day!  Today my husband and I celebrated Valentine's day!  He has to work tomorrow night, so I decided I would give him his gift and make his favorite dinner tonight!  And, he got me 4 new amazing charms for my charm bracelet!  So sweet!  We will now finish off the evening by playing xbox with our family and friends (which is one of our favorite things to do together! lol)! :)

I will keep you all posted on if I end up hearing back from the doctor tomorrow - which I hopefully do.  If not, I am sure I will be posting about my first day of meds!!

As always, thank you all for your love and support! <3

Scary Stuff!

So... In the midst of doing research about PCOS and how it totally changes things, I stumbled upon a webpage about how PCOS will affect my potential pregnancy.... I can honestly say that I am terrified....  It was one thing thinking that I had unexplained infertility, but to know that I have a diagnosis and that I have PCOS really frightens me.  I am going to include the beginning paragraph in this post, and will also include the link in case you choose to look further into it...

"Women with PCOS are at higher risk for certain problems or complications during pregnancy. In addition, infants born to mothers with PCOS are at higher risk of spending time in the neonatal intensive care unit or dying before, during, or right after birth. Complications of pregnancy associated with PCOS, such as preeclampsia, could be a reason for these risks. Also, conditions common to PCOS like metabolic syndrome and increased androgens may increase the risks affecting infants."

This REALLY scares me guys!!  I know that there are many women who face these issues, and please, if you are one of these women, reach out to me!  I could really use someone to talk to that knows what this is like.

As always, please keep us in our thoughts and prayers!  Your support is very much so appreciated!!  <3

http://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/PCOS/conditioninfo/Pages/pregnancy.aspx

Today's Events

My cycle started back up today.  Major bummer!  This means that I will be starting round 10 of meds this week.  I am honestly getting sick and tired of all the meds, tests and doctor's appointments.  Today I also found out that I have been diagnosed with PCOS.  PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) is a condition in which a woman has an imbalance of a female sex hormones. This may lead to menstrual cycle changes, cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, and other health changes.  Apparently, the doctor diagnosed me with this almost a year ago but I was never informed.  So now that I am aware of the problem, maybe we will be able to find a solution.  Initially, I was very overwhelmed and stressed out about the fact that actually have a diagnosis, but at the same time it is kind of nice to know what the issue is.

I am feeling very sad today.  I’m so ready for some good news to come my way.  I now will start round 10 and have another appointment at the end of the month.  At the appointment, they will check the size of my follicles and hopefully we will be able to set up another IUI – which is definitely what I am hoping for.  This round I will be taking the same meds as last round (Femara, dexamethasone and Gonal-F hormone injections) and will hopefully have a better outcome.

Please keep my husband and I in your thoughts and prayers as we start this next round! <3

My Support System...

I have the most amazing support system ever!  I know that everyone thinks that they have the best family out there, but I truly have the best family in the whole entire world.  They have been there for me throughout all of the ups and downs of not only my infertility journey, but my life in general.  I have the most amazing mother who has always been my very best friend and she has literally stood by my side through everything.  No matter if she has agreed with my choices or not, she has been there and has supported me.  I can call her at any time day or night and she will be there to listen.  I have interrupted her sleep, dinner and many other things with my neediness, but she is there no matter what.  And she can ALWAYS put a smile on my face!  My father has always been there to give me encouragement.  He may not even know how much the things he has said mean to me, but they have helped me in ways I could never explain.  I have a little brother that is my best friend.  I truly do not know what I would do without him and all of his help in making me laugh or getting my mind off of the negative things in my life.  My grandmother has been and always will be one of the strongest women that I know.  She has helped to strengthen me and always is brutally honest which is something that I need sometimes.  My grandfather recently passed away but he helped to show me just how important family is.  I know that he is up in Heaven watching over me and I only hope that I am making him proud with everything that I have accomplished lately.  Last but certainly not least, let's not forget my husband.  He is one of the most amazing men I have ever met.  He has been there for me through all of this madness and is always the one to try to boost my spirits when I am feeling down.  He has a very optimistic outlook on life and even though sometimes I do not necessarily see things the way he does - at least one of us sees the best side of things!  I only hope that I am making each and every one of you proud and I thank you all for your help in getting through this!  And of course, there are many many many other family members and friends that have helped me along the way.  If I went on to talk about each and every one of them, this post would last forever!  But, just know, that I appreciate every single one of you!  <3

A Little Background Information

I found out in January of 2010 that I had a hereditary blood disorder called Factor V Leiden.  Factor V Leiden is a mutation of one of the clotting factors in the blood called factor V. This mutation can increase your chance of developing abnormal blood clots (thrombophilia), usually in your veins.  Because of this disorder, I personally have a higher chance of developing blood clots, and then you throw in all of the hormones that are being pumped into me daily, and I have an extremely high chance.  The fear of developing a blood clot WHILE dealing with infertility drives me crazy.  It scares me more than I can say that dealing with this infertility could literally kill me.  If I develop a blood clot and I do not recognize the symptoms, things could get really ugly.  So, I have to be very aware of everything that is going on with my body.

Along with the fear of the blood clots while taking the infertility meds, I have to consider the risk of a blood clot while pregnant.  Pregnant women already have to be aware that they have a higher chance of developing a blood clot.  But with my disorder, I have an even higher chance.  Therefore, I have already been sent to talk to a High Risk OBGYN.  My OBGYN told me that when I do get pregnant, I will have to start on blood thinners right away.  I will have to give myself shots every single day throughout my pregnancy.  Until I am about 35 weeks pregnant.  I will then be switched to an oral blood thinner because the shots are irreversible whereas the pills will be able to be reversed for when I go into labor.  Obviously it would be quite dangerous to be on blood thinners while in labor. 

If I do not do blood thinners throughout my pregnancy, I have a high risk of developing a blood clot in the placenta and therefore losing the baby and possibly my own life.  This terrifies me.  Of course, I do not want to have to give myself shots for 8 months, but I also do not want anything to happen to my baby.  So I will do what I have to do.  The fact that I could lose my life trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, or having a baby is a very scary thing for me.  It has been a hard topic to discuss and therefore, not many people know that this is an issue that I have.  

My mother and grandmother both have this disorder and delivered healthy babies and had no issues.  There are miscarriages in my family which is a result of this blood disorder.  I hope and pray that when I do finally get pregnant, I will not lose my baby.  I will do everything in my power to make sure that that does not happen.  So for now, I make sure that I do whatever I can to ensure I am healthy and blood clot free.  And once I do get pregnant, I will be doing so much to make sure that there is no chance I will lose that baby that I worked so hard to conceive!

Please keep me and my husband in your thoughts and prayers!  We appreciate it more than words can say!  <3

Summary of the Journey thus far...

When I got married in August of 2009, I never expected that my husband and I would have such a hard time conceiving. However, after 3 and a half years of marriage, and no pregnancy, we decided that it was time to go see an infertility specialist. In April of 2013, I was seen by my family doctor, who referred me to the gynecologist, who then referred me to the Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility clinic at Madigan Army Medical Center. I personally have never had a normal menstrual cycle and honestly never thought anything of it. However, because of that, it turns out that I do not ovulate on my own. Therefore, no eggs are being released and it’s a little difficult to get pregnant when you’re not releasing any eggs. At my first appointment at the clinic, the doctor went over all of the tests, procedures and medications that I was going to be trying. The first test was blood work, that’s easy enough. However, throughout the past 9 months, I have had soooo much blood drawn; I am surprised I have any left. Then, I had to get an HSG done. A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. During this procedure, they insert a catheter into the uterus and then insert a dye into the catheter which then flows out of the fallopian tubes. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong! It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced! The main purpose is to make sure that your fallopian tubes are open and that there are no blockages, which there weren’t, my tubes and uterus were fine. However, they inflate a balloon inside of your cervix in order to keep the catheter in place so that the dye is inserted into the proper area. This was a killer. It was extremely painful to the point that I literally said “holy shit” during the procedure. Not my greatest moment, but it is something to laugh about afterwards. Now, moving on from that horrific memory… Once we were aware that my fallopian tubes and uterus were good to go, I was put on the lowest dosage of Clomid (50mg). In which case, my body laughed at me, and not one follicle was formed. Now, after every round of meds, you go in to get a follicle scan about 10 days after the start of your cycle. This is an internal ultrasound that is used to check the size and amount of follicles that have formed. Since there were no follicles, and no signs of ovulation, the doctor upped my dosage to the middle dose (100mg) then sent me on my way. At this point, we had success! We had a few follicles forming and therefore we thought that we were going to get lucky on our second round. Boy were we wrong. Once my cycle started back up, and I knew I was not pregnant, I called the doctor and they started me on my next round. Round number 3 was 100mg Clomid again. This time, it did not work. There was nothing of significance. This was a huge disappointment for me. I was sure that we were making progress and to have fallen back to nothing, killed me. Round number 4 was 150mg Clomid. Now, I was doing the HIGHEST dosage! This had to work, right? Well, in a sense it did. It did cause me to form good sized follicles; however, the round in itself was unsuccessful as I did not end up pregnant. So here we are… it’s time for round 5, we do another round of 150mg Clomid and it was a failure, again. Now, what you have to consider is, Clomid turned me into a complete and utter mental case. I was so up and down at all different times. I could not control my emotions and I am sure that my husband wishes he could have locked me up for a week at a time when I was on those meds. They were horrible! At this point, after round 5, the doc decided to switch me to another med as the Clomid was causing blurry vision which could become permanent. So, we had to preserve my eyesight! Now, round 6, I start on Femara. They start me on the middle dosage (5mg) since clearly my body does not like to cooperate. That did nothing. No follicles. As the doc said “it’s pretty quiet in here”. So for round 7 they up me to 7.5mg. 3 pills a day for 5 days followed by 3 days of hormone injections. This seems to work! We get some good news and go on our way. However, again, I did not end up pregnant. This is 7 rounds of feeling like a complete failure. Round 8, I decide this IS going to be our round! I start my cycle, on my own, while home visiting family (it is VERY uncommon for me to start a cycle on my own without any meds forcing it to begin…). So, as I am home, my husband gets a hold of the REI clinic and gets them to call my meds into a pharmacy back home. Thankfully, I was able to get my meds and then start them on time and not miss out on this round of meds. This time, I was doing 5mg and the hormone injections. At my follicle scan, the doc spotted ONE follicle which was 14mm and seemed to be collapsing (they want follicles to be between 18mm and 22mm in order to ensure a mature egg will be released and therefore ovulation will occur). The doc requested that I come back in a few days so that she could check up on the 14mm follicle and see if it had grown to maturity. When I went back to the doctor, she confirmed that the follicle was indeed collapsing and dying off. It was heartbreaking to hear. Until she had a surprised look on her face and said that she found a 22mm follicle! You have no idea the relief and joyfulness that I felt at that moment. Now, this was my time, this meant that I was going to be able to try IUI (Intrauterine insemination – Artificial Insemination)! I had been waiting for this time for so long! The doctor recommends that you have 3 or more successful rounds before moving on to IUI. I had just had my 3rd successful round that did not result in a pregnancy, so I got to choose to have IUI, and I was so incredibly happy. I finally had my IUI. It was a little bit more painful than I expected. Not as painful as the HSG, but a similar type of pain. The procedure was quick, which definitely helped. My husband’s numbers were high and it seems that with my 22+mm follicle, we should have a good sized egg. Meaning, we had a very good shot at getting pregnant that round. However, again, it was a failure. I started my cycle one night and had a complete breakdown. I was so incredibly sad and honestly did not know how to feel anymore. I was at a complete loss. After I got over the fact that it was unsuccessful, it was time to contact the infertility clinic and start round 9. For this round, they decided to start me on dexamethasone along with the 7.5mg of Femara AND the hormone injections. 10 days later, I went in for my follicle scan. At my appointment, the doctor did not find any follicles. However, my uterine lining had thickened indicating that my body was cooperating. Since there were no follicles, the doctor asked for me to go and get blood work done to see if I had ovulated. The blood work came back that I most likely did ovulate. So, we did not get to try the IUI this round, but we did have a chance at pregnancy since I did still ovulate. I went in on cycle day 21 to have my progesterone checked to ensure ovulation did take place. My progesterone level was at 20.5 which indicates that ovulation did happen! So... now we wait... I technically ovulated over 2 weeks ago, and my cycle has not yet started. I took a pregnancy test a few days ago and it was negative. However, I could have been testing too early. If my cycle does not start within the next couple of days, I will be heading to the clinic to have a blood test done! Fingers crossed!