I have been feeling very incredibly down lately. I have been contemplating even trying IUI anymore because that is money out of pocket each and every time. The fact of the matter is, we cannot afford to continuously try all of these treatments that may just end in failure. Yes, I know, I am supposed to remain positive at all times and convince myself that this is going to work. But, I feel like sometimes I just run out of optimism and I feel like I may just have to face the facts and accept that things may not turn out the way that I am hoping.
I feel so guilty sometimes, that it is my fault that my husband cannot have the child that he wants so dearly. I know that this affects him just as much as it affects me. I feel like a failure as a woman for not being able to give him a child. On top of guilt, I feel indescribable sadness and confusion. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I can't help but wonder why this is happening to me. Why have I been faced with so many difficult issues? It has been hard to deal with and sometimes, I just need to allow myself to break down. But at the same time, I am trying so incredibly hard to remain strong. Not only for myself - but for everyone around me. I know that this isn't just affecting me. It's affecting everyone in my life. And I wish that I could just get past all of this, get pregnant, and move on with my life. And I hope that one day - that happens. But until then, I have to keep my head held high, do what I can do to help make this happen and continue on this journey.
I continue to pray and ask others to pray as well. Not only for my success, but for my sanity. Sometimes, I feel like I am losing my mind. I am so hung up on having this work that I do not have time to really think about anything else. It can be extremely exhausting! But I know with the help of God and all of my supporters, at some point in time, I will be completely okay. And I hope to realize what God was trying to teach me throughout this journey. Even if I am never able to have a child of my own - I will have learned a lesson from all of this. I have already begun to learn that I truly have a lot of people that care about me. And that has been amazing for me. To see how many people have opened up and have reached out to support me - I couldn't be any more grateful! And I can only hope that due to my honesty - other women/men dealing with infertility will be able to realize that they are not alone and that there are people that do understand what they are going through.
To anyone reading this that has had a hard time at one time or another throughout their life... Please know that you are not alone. Regardless of what kind of problem you have faced - you have people that care about you and are there for you. And if you ever feel alone, please know that I am a great listener and would love to help lift you out of a bad place. <3
As always, thank you all for your love and support.
xoxoxo
I know exactly how you feel!
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