So I have read a lot of different blog posts regarding things you should not say to a woman facing infertility... I have decided to compile a list of things that you should try to refrain from saying... these things may not seem like they would be hurtful... but sometimes - they are.
8. You need to relax.
We know that we need to relax. We know that the stress is not helping. But telling us that we need to relax can actually stress us out more in the end. We cannot help but think about the situation all day - every day. So just know, that even when you think we are calm and relaxed, we are probably still running through tons of different scenarios in our head.
7. You're young and have plenty of time to get pregnant.
While for many couples this may be true, you do not always know about the different medical issues that these couples may be facing. For example, in my situation, I truly am running out of time. I was advised to stop trying to have children by the time I am 30 years old. I will already be high risk because of my blood disorder and PCOS so we have to try to avoid any further issues which could be contributed by age.
6. It could be worse... You could be dealing with 'insert another medical issue here'...
You're right - it could be worse... We are well aware that there are much worse things that could happen to us. We know that there are people that are facing difficult journeys every single day. And we are thankful that we are able to live a somewhat normal life. However, that doesn't necessarily make what we are dealing with any easier. Diminishing and belittling what we are going through and making a comparison to something that is non-comparable is completely unfair. We are faced with problems that some people may never understand and regardless of their severity - they have a way of negatively affecting our lives.
5. As soon as you stop trying - it will happen.
While in some cases this might be true... Majority of couples that are struggling with infertility do not have the option to stop trying. If I 'stop trying' I will have to stop taking the medication that is forcing me to ovulate. Without ovulating, there is no possible way I will ever get pregnant. Therefore, it is physically impossible for it to happen if I stop trying. However, I do understand that this almost falls into the same category as 'you need to relax' as it is someone's way to say that lack of stress could be beneficial... which is definitely true in any situation - including infertility.
4. You could always just adopt.
Again, this is very true. Adoption is an AMAZING option for anyone - including fertile couples. However, it is extremely expensive and not everyone has the money to seek adoption. Along with the expensive aspect, it is hard to let go of a dream that you have of conceiving your own child. Yes, if I was told that there was no possible way that I could ever have a child of my own, I would certainly look into adoption. And if I ever have the money to adopt a child later on in life, I would love to be able to do that. But at this point in time, there is still a possibility that I can conceive and I would like to try for as long as my body (and doctors) will allow.
3. I know what you are going through... My cousin's boyfriend's sister's best friend dealt with infertility.
We are happy to hear success stories of other people that have been faced with infertility. We love to know that there are happy endings! But, we do not appreciate it when people claim to know what it is like to deal with infertility just because they have heard others stories. We would rather you ask us what we have gone through so far than to tell us about someone you barely know.
2. What's meant to be will happen.
As true as this might be, it is incredibly difficult to hear. I know that personally when I hear this, it makes me feel that maybe I am not meant to be a mother. And that is difficult to handle. To imagine that I am trying so incredibly hard and that it might not be 'meant to be' kills me. That is why this saying has become so haunting to me. I would like to believe that I am meant to be a mother and therefore I think that this saying is just not helpful in this type of situation.
1. Just get over it.
This is the most heartless thing I could ever even imagine someone saying to me at this point in my life. To even think about the fact that people think that something such as this is so easy to 'just get over' - disgusts me. This is life changing, this is something that will weigh in my mind and in my heart for as long as I live. Even if I ever do get pregnant, I will never get over the fact that it was so incredibly difficult for me to conceive. I will be happy that it has finally happened, but I will still always remember the trials and tribulations I was faced with. It will be worth it, but I will never get over it.
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Now, don't get me wrong, this post was not meant to be harsh or make anyone feel bad for saying anything to an infertile woman. We know that you mean well with the things that you say, and sometimes, people just don't know what else to say. The best thing that anyone has ever said to me is "I will pray for you" - or something along those lines. It's short, sweet, to the point, and means more than I could ever put into words. It is nice to know that I am not the only one praying for my success and that others are willing to do the same!
Please also know that most infertile women love to share their story. I know that for me personally, talking about what I am going through really helps. It is helpful to be able to somewhat teach others what infertility is all about. Infertility is something that I would not wish on my worst enemy, but it has taught me how to bring awareness to such a major issue that many couples deal with.
We appreciate your support! We don't want you to be scared to talk to us or share your happiness with us regarding your own children. But you have to be aware that sometimes - it can be difficult for us. Remember infertile women during holidays. Personally, Mother's Day is a difficult one for me. I watch all of these women around me celebrating with their children and all I can do is sit back and hope that by next year, I will have a child, and will be able to celebrate Mother's Day myself.
Sometimes all we need is someone to listen. For a long time, I felt very alone throughout this journey. Other than my family, I did not feel that I had many people I could count on. However, after 5 months of dealing with infertility quietly, I decided to inform my 200+ Facebook friends of what I was going through. Allowing them in and allowing them to travel this journey with me, has been more than rewarding! Not only have I gotten support from people I had never expected and been able to teach people about infertility, but I have also been able to be there for women that are experiencing the same thing that have not necessarily told the world about what they are facing.
I love the fact that I have been able to take an incredibly horrible situation and have used it to better myself and to help others around me. This just shows that no matter what we are faced with, we can hold our heads high and walk through this life together.
One more thing... If you want to know something - ask questions. I have gone through so much at this point that I have no problem sharing anything with anyone. I know you might think that I will be uncomfortable answering some questions, but I guarantee you, your questions cannot be any more uncomfortable for me than an appointment with my infertility specialist. :)
xoxoxo
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